It's past 12am and I'm sat in my hotel room in the very North of England. I should be sleeping right now. Have to be up early for a work thing with a very long drive back, but sleep never came easy for me. For this work thing I've been asked to reflect over the past few years. To think about what has gone well and what's been challenging. To talk about it in front of people... lots of strangers. I don't record anything anywhere, such as a diary and not big on social media, and so found myself here after so many years. Perhaps in 10 years time I'll come back and read this and feel nostalgia. Where do I start? Just like waves in the ocean, there have been ups and downs.... From a career point of view, I enjoy what I do. It's a lot of hard work, and I won't be retiring anytime soon, but it's put a roof over my head and has been good for my independence. Over thinking and over complicating has been some of my downfalls so work has kept me sane. There is little time to overwhelm myself. So....The career, the house and naturally the next question people tend to ask someone in their mid 30's is 'when are you getting married?' or 'time is ticking, when are you having kids?'. My closest circle don't ask or prod anymore because they know my stance and how much control I have over that aspect of my life. Some people are blessed to find their soul mate, some aren't. We can't assume we will have everything we want in life. I genuinely believe that this life is a test and for me, this is my test. Trying to explain that to people is hard work but explaining why I don't or can't have kids is hopeless. People don't get it and I've learnt that I don't need to justify anything to anyone so I let them assume because it doesn't matter. Over the past few years I have learnt and am still learning how to move forward. To be strong. To rely on myself and know how to process situations and my feelings. I've come to terms with the fact that certain situations in my life and my childhood shaped me in such a way that I want to hold on to the past, which stops me from moving forward. Untangling and re-wiring my brain to think differently has been a challenge but as the saying goes nothing worth doing is easy. in the meantime I'm in my boat, riding those ocean waves. Hopefully I'll be able to write some more and not leave it so long 🌙